This is not going so well. I am falling so far behind in my gymming and blogging!
Two sisters, separated from their brother, couldn’t be enough for each other. Drove to kill themselves, each other. The city is shocked. And I realize how lucky I am. My brother once drew me a birthday card that showed his hand underneath my foot, protecting me from the puddle below. All he said was, “I’ll always be there.’ And he has always been. And the wonder of it all is how he manages to do that while still maintaining my space for me. In his calmness, I find my equanimity. He knows everything, all the stupid things I have done. And he still appreciates me. Stands by me. How, why, why not, …. asking nothing. Just walks up to me, once in a lifetime, to hug me. Letting me be free, but at the right moment, acting as the glue to hold me, together, for a moment. Letting me find my strength again, letting me always be. Letting me be me. Thank you A!
It would be rude of me to ignore though that where he might have failed, that’s where S, his wife completes the story. I am truly blessed. Thank you God!
Starting afresh when everything you took for granted is gone. It’s a very lonely feeling, and I feel very confused. So hesitant: do I start from this point, or do I turn around, and try to make the wrongs right?
What will I achieve by reaching out for people who have forgotten me and gone? What will I achieve by remembering moments that are never going to be repeated? The essence seems to have gone. Now, I feel like an empty shell. And I don’t know if I should think about all that I have lost, or should I start working on refilling this shell. Will I appear cold and unfeeling? Of course people will say that it didn’t matter to her, she didn’t care anyways.
They will. I know it.
It will hurt. I know it.
But I can’t change it.
At times, the despair gets to me and I want to just end my life. But I don’t. I haven’t.
I am trying to recreate a new life, a new routine for myself – step by step, thread by thread, one day at a time. Looking forward to criticism and brickbats from others, and tons of grit and strength from myself.
And here’s what I am thinking – writing this blog everyday will help me talk to me and together we’ll get through this phase I call “My New Solitary Life”. And at the end of it all, I will find myself – a new me, and then it won’t be so solitary anymore. At least I will have someone – me!