When I can't think no more, and the thoughts crowd my head, I let them out, one at a time, and after sorting them, put them back together again…in order to begin entangling another web!

Jul11, 2011

What a nightmare of a weekend! With a lot of fear and trepidation, I set up a time to meet my kids on Sunday. It started out ok. My son was his usual comic self. He could sing a really old number, and that really impressed me! Teenagers today would die of shame to admit that they even recognized an old number. And he was enjoying it! Dancing in his seat, and making all those cute faces, lifting his eyebrows! He is such a great dancer; each of his body cells dances! My daughter seemed to be ok too. Cheerful in fact. The traffic was bad. The closest mall seemed totally inaccessible, and we decided to go to another. Finally we reached, parked, and got in. As we made our way to the food court, my son kept walking into shops to check out the latest mobile phones. His phone is in a really bad shape. Doesn’t even have a back cover, and I do think that he’s being quite patient about it.

Still, we were hungry, and I told him to postpone his cellphone survey until we had eaten. Eating at the food court was out of the question because there was no place to sit, and it didn’t seem as if there would be any for a long time. So, we chose an Italian restaurant, and sat down. After deciding the dish she wanted to have, my daughter went out of the restaurant to check out some BB covers. Then, my son followed her. He returned in a while to ask for money for her to buy the cover. It was not too much money, but I did feel that the cover was expensive. And, more importantly, I felt really bad that after ignoring me for so many weeks, not even turning up for my b’day, they were taking me down the buy-our-time routine again. I just flipped, and told my son that she could buy it with her father. She flipped too, and her messaging on her BB increased big time. She returned to her seat, but wasn’t interested in even looking at me. I finally could not take it any longer, and after asking her to put her phone away a couple of times, and to stop ignoring me, I decided to just up and leave. We got the kids’ dishes packed, and left. I tried talking to her, to tell her how her behavior of ignoring me all the time and looking at me as just a money purse was hurting me. But it was no use. She went from belligerent to downright rude and insulting. she’s going through a bad time today, trying to recover from a heartbreak. The last straw was when she said that I keep hinting at doing something to kill myself, but don’t really do it. And, here I was thinking that I was doing it right by holding myself together, and not breaking down and committing suicide after finding myself completely alone, left alone by my kids – the only people for whom I was living.

I should have just done that, I guess!

But I didn’t. Why? I am not sure. A multitude of reasons: Will to survive, what will my parents go through, will my kids end up feeling endless guilt, friends will be pained, just the desire to not give up and make my life an example of recovery and moving on. Many more such reasons, but these are at the top.

At the moment, my relationship with my kids seems irreparable. My ex and his parents seem to be getting all that they wanted. God seems to be on their side, and against me. The question of when am I going to get mine seems to crowd the back of my head, far too often. And I have never been revengeful or hateful. Still it’s hitting me. But I know: this is not all that it appears to be. They don’t have all going for them, and I haven’t lost everything. At least not yet! I am gaining newer, better, stronger friendships than ever before. My job continues to be my pride, although things are bad there too. My health is surprisingly better. I am redecorating my house, and it looks good to me.

But I think what keeps me hanging on, and going on is the feeling that these are my challenges, difficult challenges, but ones that only I can overcome because:

  1. God has more faith in my strength than in others’.
  2. Some important lessons are coming my way because of these challenges.
  3. There are kinks in my character that will get ironed out as a result of these challenges.
  4. I have made many mistakes, and these challenges are the resultant situations, but these are also warnings for me to stop making mistakes like these. Get my act together, and start doing it right.

So, I am gonna cry, but I am gonna try.

I will make it right; with all I have, I will fight.

Get it all right, and wonderful this time.

Good luck to me,  hope I make it ok,

And make everyone smile – all of the time.


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