newlife2design

When I can't think no more, and the thoughts crowd my head, I let them out, one at a time, and after sorting them, put them back together again…in order to begin entangling another web!

Archive for the month “January, 2012”

Nice of you to have stopped by…

I had no idea what was building up. Very quietly, slowly, you grew up on me. I didn’t realize your presence at first. Then, suddenly, there you were! Where the hell did you crop up from? Why are you here? Why are you subjecting me to this kind of torture? I never even knew you existed. So, I could hardly have invited you here.

Wait a minute! Let me think back. Did I say anything to point your attention to me? Did I do anything that could have made you feel welcome in my life? You know that nobody likes you. No one ever wants you around. Yet, you refuse to give up. And your entry mechanisms never change, do they? You’ll just sit there right outside the door, listening in, biding your time. Just when we are not looking, you’ll slip in through the cracks.

Yes, yes, I know. The cracks are there in my life. Sometimes, I have just been too lazy to bring things to closure. And just when I or someone I claimed to love, didn’t close the door properly, or we were too busy fighting with each other, you got your chance to sneak in.

Once you were there, reasons unimportant, you just feasted on my sorrow, on my feelings that I was trying so hard to bury. You dug up even those feelings that I thought I had been able to set aside. I thought I had moved on. You fed on my anger, and you grew to a humongous size. You were too much to ignore. And you just wouldn’t leave.

You touched everything, everyone, nothing was above you. All of it was tainted suddenly, so horribly.  I thought you’d just taken over my house. I wanted to run away. I thought you’d taken over my life. I wanted to die. But I didn’t want to give up without a fight. So, I fought with all my might. and you took advantage that I was so blinded by my fury, that I just didn’t know where to strike. So, conveniently, you hid. You hid behind everyone around me. I don’t know why they felt compelled to shield you. Why they thought that diverting my attention from you was the right thing to do. Did you never think about what you were doing to me? I grew weak in my misery, and I felt you were making everyone sneer and laugh at me. They saw what you were making me go through, and did nothing to help me. Life had never been so bleak and hopeless.

Right when I hit rock bottom, and I thought it was the end, I saw a small, tiny flickering light. That light made me look at myself. You’d made me really dirty,. But, you know what? I was dirtier because of my own actions. My filth was my own creation. Yes, you got me down. But you didn’t finish me.  I was trying to finish the job that seemingly you had started. But this tiny ray of light had changed everything. I could see better even though the light was not so strong. So, I stepped back and gave that light some air. Dragging in a deep breath, I saw it fed with more oxygen. The light grew stronger, and soon became a flame. I felt, confident, alive once again. I was going to cleanse myself. So, I picked up the duster, and started shaking the dirt off myself. Ruthlessly, I continued until I felt clean. I could see better; there was clarity. I looked up and found that the sky was just as blue, the grass and trees that I so loved were just as green as they used to be. The simple pleasures of life once again gave me peace. And with that peace, I started stitching everything that was torn, making myself whole, once again. I removed the parts I didn’t like, I tidied myself and smiled.

That’s when it hit me. This is what you’d come into my life, hadn’t you? I was getting complacent. I had stopped thinking, developed a comfort zone that I was reluctant to leave. You came in to shake me up. To make me realize that although still alive, I had stopped living. I had reached one peak, and wasn’t interested in getting back down, and finding a new mountain to climb. I didn’t want to change. I didn’t want to struggle. I just thought that by letting things be, I was indeed letting them be. But nothing stays the same, does it? Everything had started to go stale. Rot had started to set in. My family, friends, and colleagues were starting to feel the stink. They were going to leave.

Before I lost everything that was dear to me, you walked in and forced me to change – to clean. I started to feel good with that change. Today, I realize that I should never have resisted you. I should have embraced you. Because you are the one who game the opportunity to move from good to better. You are the reason for the new, clean, improved me.

Thank you dear PROBLEM. I am so sorry. I had no idea that you were going to be the one to shape a better me. Thank you for helping me change!

So, so nice of you to have stopped by. Whenever you think I am getting stupid, and getting stuck in a rut, please feel free and visit again. I realize that you are named Problem, but really, you are the only chance for a better me!

Choosing Peace

Jan 2011 I decided to give up my anger. Among other factors, I felt that my anger had been the primary reason, at times instigator, sometimes the catalyst for all the negative situations that had arisen in my home. True, a lot of horrible things happened to me, and I hadn’t done anything to deserve them. But caught up in self-pity and desirous of sympathy and attention, I refused to consider if I could have chosen to not get angry, and, thereby, prevented situations from worsening.

With my 20/20 hindsight, it’s so easy to see where I could have not shouted, toned down my reactions, and removed provocation. In the false sense of calmness that I feel while looking back, I know I could have handled things better, leading to very different, maybe even positive consequences.

I can’t bring the time back, I can’t change anything in the past. Neither am I so confident that I will do things differently in the future. It’s far too easy, and too damn difficult to “Never ever get angry!”. But I know how I feel now. The regrets in my heart don’t help me forgive others, but pretty much put the ball firmly in my court. The sense of control that I have on my own actions, makes me feel that at least for the time being, I can choose peace over anger. And that I think is far more sustainable than trying to control all of my future. “For the time being” is so much easier to predict and handle than “never”, “always”, and “forever”, don’t you think?

So, here’s my renewed choice for 2012 that I make today: When I need to, my first choice will be peace and calm, cooperation and understanding, not anger or disruption.

Last year, I could count the number of times I lost my temper on the fingers of one hand. Each time, the consequence was bad. Very strangely, I was became increasingly aware of my feelings every time. Perhaps the first time I lost it last year, I was too caught up in the situation to acknowledge my emotions, the rise of anger, fueled by my sense of righteousness and ego. The last time I did it on Dec 25, 2011, I was so darned aware of what was happening inside me and the way the whole situation was proceeding towards disaster, that I could almost feel myself standing on one side, watching myself rip the scene with my rants, and I knew exactly what was going to happen after I’d finished doing it. And it happened exactly that way, minute-by-minute the scene played out my script. Unfortunately, even in my sense of awareness, I was unable to find the alternate way of handling that situation. It was like I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I totally let myself do it.

Well, my morbid curiosity is certainly satisfied now! And the more I thought over it, again and again, I realized what I should have done instead. A much more liberating thought than that helplessness that I had allowed myself to feel! What else can I do in this situation? How long can I keep my mouth shut? When will they understand and do the right thing? These questions still rake my mind. But this time I know what I can do. I know how I could have changed my responses to the situation, and changed it towards a better end.

Here’s what I realized:

What else can I do in this situation? – Nothing, if that is really the only option.

How long can I keep my mouth shut? – Always, if I cannot think of the right thing to say.

When will they understand and do the right thing? – One day they will understand. But that day is not today. So, I just need to wait.

Choosing to do nothing, to say nothing, and to just wait suddenly does not seem like a sense of helplessness. I realized that it’s a deliberate choice that I am making, and I am being smart if by controlling myself, I am preventing the situation from worsening. Inaction doesn’t seem so bad now, especially when I can do silent Daimoku while I think the right thing to say or do. 🙂

Somebody likes me!

I got my first like! A pretty young girl stopped by my blog. And through our comment exchanges, there began a small conversation, and I got all gleeful and excited. No, I am not such an attention-seeker, nor am I so lacking in confidence that I thought I’d never be liked. But it still feels good, and I am happy. Middle of a workday, I do feel a twinge of guilt, but her appreciation compensates me all the way. Thanks http://nenskeifacestheworld.wordpress.com/!

Oh, and she’s a fantastic writer herself. So, do take the time out to read her stuff. I read some of her posts, and I liked all of them!

If only life were so simple!

So, here’s something that occurred to me yesterday while reading a book. Books, typically the ones that have some romance in them, always make it so convenient for us to know who the heroine and hero are. And these characters will either find happiness for ever with each other, and the book will have a happy ending, or these characters will not end up with each other, and the book will have a sad ending. In fact, even if they find happiness with other people, there will be a definite twinge of sadness in the book.

But my point is that it’s so easy to determine when they will be happy – it will be when they are with each other. As a reader I know who the right and wrong people are in the book, and I can so easily choose the people on whom I will focus my loyalties.

So, why doesn’t life offer such clarity and foresight? Why can’t I know who’s going to be my hero in real life – the one who’ll make my life-story have a happy ending? What if I already know him? Imagine the time that’s being wasted while we carry on separate lives, with our loneliness, and disappointments from other relationships! It could be so much more simple if we would just know who is the “One” for us.

This simple clarity might even help me with my quitter mentality – the one that makes me think that all’s over with the first disagreement. If I knew my hero, I wouldn’t get so scared whenever I have a fight with him. I’d be so cool, wouldn’t I? Just stating my point of view with a healthy regard for his perspective, content and confident in my knowledge that the difference in our opinions does not matter, and it’s simply a matter of time before we are once again happy together.

Oh I do wish this were so!

Plunging Down, Bobbing Up

On the heels of yesterday’s happiness and gratitude for the year gone by comes the following thought:

What is one supposed to do when someone comes so close that when they take even a step away, it makes one feel that they have gone too far?
And what is one supposed to do when someone goes so far that if they took even one step closer, one would think, come on just one more step, it’s not so far?

Oscillating between depths and heights,

Swinging between highs and lows,

Struggling to keep my head above water,

My heart insists on being morose.

I try hard, so hard, not to reach out, not to ask,

Am I going to lose this battle today?

Just a little more courage, just a bit more,

No one will see my tears, but for a while I might need a mask.

Happy 2012, Thank you 2011!

I am so thankful for the year gone by. It was a year that taught me a lot about life, myself, people, relationships, hope, letting go, self-control, Buddhism, and my blessings. I struggled on both personal and professional fronts. I struggled to keep my temper in check. Many things did not go the way I wanted them to. And during all these struggles and disappointments, I realized my own strength. I realized that I can go through a lot of difficult situations and come out smiling. I realized the most important lesson of my life: I can be alone, by myself, without anyone, and I can be quite happy and satisfied. I do not need others for my happiness. They do not bring me peace, and, therefore, they are not the cause of my problems and dissatisfaction. I am independent and responsible for my feelings, and I can take care of myself.
This also made me free, completely free, to do things for others without expecting them to acknowledge it, to change anything because of it, or to care for me because of it – not even one tiny bit of expectation.
Yes, it was hard to learn these lessons. But this learning leaves behind such a sweet happy taste! I feel stronger and more ready to do things.
It’s not a spark of confidence. It’s a cemented force with the potential to do more, and the grounding to be able to go on, to continue.
Ooooh! I feeel gooood!!!

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