When I can't think no more, and the thoughts crowd my head, I let them out, one at a time, and after sorting them, put them back together again…in order to begin entangling another web!

Archive for the category “Depression”

Clean up This World

Since when have I felt this need?

This need to hide, for anonymity?

Since I knew I was going to be a woman.

And now I look to hide, hide away to protect my dignity.

Uncovered parts could leave me unclothed

When I step out into the big bad world of these x-ray-eyed heroes.

They have already acknowledged my right as a victim

I will die alone, unknown to my family.

Hopefully, they will be spared the horror of being witnesses

As I am rendered unable to deny or ask,

What I have done to deserve this.

I am so sorry I was born. Please accept my apology.

My karma must have been bad.

If I had known better, I would have been born a man.

Unrestrained, I could have roamed free.

Got sympathy, if somebody stole from me.

Unquestioned, I would have lived.

My life could have been trouble-free!

Finally, one day when all like me have been killed at birth, at 75, or at puberty,

One day this world would be finally woman-free!

Of course, there’s a way to continue the human race without any women,

So that men can then, live alone, with peace, happiness, and purity!


On Trial

I offer the world another chance to judge me,

Declare me lacking, and to criticize me.

When I receive nothing in words, I claim to have seen it in their eyes.

Words do not matter; their looks have said it all; their compliments are just lies.

Nice of you to have stopped by…

I had no idea what was building up. Very quietly, slowly, you grew up on me. I didn’t realize your presence at first. Then, suddenly, there you were! Where the hell did you crop up from? Why are you here? Why are you subjecting me to this kind of torture? I never even knew you existed. So, I could hardly have invited you here.

Wait a minute! Let me think back. Did I say anything to point your attention to me? Did I do anything that could have made you feel welcome in my life? You know that nobody likes you. No one ever wants you around. Yet, you refuse to give up. And your entry mechanisms never change, do they? You’ll just sit there right outside the door, listening in, biding your time. Just when we are not looking, you’ll slip in through the cracks.

Yes, yes, I know. The cracks are there in my life. Sometimes, I have just been too lazy to bring things to closure. And just when I or someone I claimed to love, didn’t close the door properly, or we were too busy fighting with each other, you got your chance to sneak in.

Once you were there, reasons unimportant, you just feasted on my sorrow, on my feelings that I was trying so hard to bury. You dug up even those feelings that I thought I had been able to set aside. I thought I had moved on. You fed on my anger, and you grew to a humongous size. You were too much to ignore. And you just wouldn’t leave.

You touched everything, everyone, nothing was above you. All of it was tainted suddenly, so horribly.  I thought you’d just taken over my house. I wanted to run away. I thought you’d taken over my life. I wanted to die. But I didn’t want to give up without a fight. So, I fought with all my might. and you took advantage that I was so blinded by my fury, that I just didn’t know where to strike. So, conveniently, you hid. You hid behind everyone around me. I don’t know why they felt compelled to shield you. Why they thought that diverting my attention from you was the right thing to do. Did you never think about what you were doing to me? I grew weak in my misery, and I felt you were making everyone sneer and laugh at me. They saw what you were making me go through, and did nothing to help me. Life had never been so bleak and hopeless.

Right when I hit rock bottom, and I thought it was the end, I saw a small, tiny flickering light. That light made me look at myself. You’d made me really dirty,. But, you know what? I was dirtier because of my own actions. My filth was my own creation. Yes, you got me down. But you didn’t finish me.  I was trying to finish the job that seemingly you had started. But this tiny ray of light had changed everything. I could see better even though the light was not so strong. So, I stepped back and gave that light some air. Dragging in a deep breath, I saw it fed with more oxygen. The light grew stronger, and soon became a flame. I felt, confident, alive once again. I was going to cleanse myself. So, I picked up the duster, and started shaking the dirt off myself. Ruthlessly, I continued until I felt clean. I could see better; there was clarity. I looked up and found that the sky was just as blue, the grass and trees that I so loved were just as green as they used to be. The simple pleasures of life once again gave me peace. And with that peace, I started stitching everything that was torn, making myself whole, once again. I removed the parts I didn’t like, I tidied myself and smiled.

That’s when it hit me. This is what you’d come into my life, hadn’t you? I was getting complacent. I had stopped thinking, developed a comfort zone that I was reluctant to leave. You came in to shake me up. To make me realize that although still alive, I had stopped living. I had reached one peak, and wasn’t interested in getting back down, and finding a new mountain to climb. I didn’t want to change. I didn’t want to struggle. I just thought that by letting things be, I was indeed letting them be. But nothing stays the same, does it? Everything had started to go stale. Rot had started to set in. My family, friends, and colleagues were starting to feel the stink. They were going to leave.

Before I lost everything that was dear to me, you walked in and forced me to change – to clean. I started to feel good with that change. Today, I realize that I should never have resisted you. I should have embraced you. Because you are the one who game the opportunity to move from good to better. You are the reason for the new, clean, improved me.

Thank you dear PROBLEM. I am so sorry. I had no idea that you were going to be the one to shape a better me. Thank you for helping me change!

So, so nice of you to have stopped by. Whenever you think I am getting stupid, and getting stuck in a rut, please feel free and visit again. I realize that you are named Problem, but really, you are the only chance for a better me!

Choosing Peace

Jan 2011 I decided to give up my anger. Among other factors, I felt that my anger had been the primary reason, at times instigator, sometimes the catalyst for all the negative situations that had arisen in my home. True, a lot of horrible things happened to me, and I hadn’t done anything to deserve them. But caught up in self-pity and desirous of sympathy and attention, I refused to consider if I could have chosen to not get angry, and, thereby, prevented situations from worsening.

With my 20/20 hindsight, it’s so easy to see where I could have not shouted, toned down my reactions, and removed provocation. In the false sense of calmness that I feel while looking back, I know I could have handled things better, leading to very different, maybe even positive consequences.

I can’t bring the time back, I can’t change anything in the past. Neither am I so confident that I will do things differently in the future. It’s far too easy, and too damn difficult to “Never ever get angry!”. But I know how I feel now. The regrets in my heart don’t help me forgive others, but pretty much put the ball firmly in my court. The sense of control that I have on my own actions, makes me feel that at least for the time being, I can choose peace over anger. And that I think is far more sustainable than trying to control all of my future. “For the time being” is so much easier to predict and handle than “never”, “always”, and “forever”, don’t you think?

So, here’s my renewed choice for 2012 that I make today: When I need to, my first choice will be peace and calm, cooperation and understanding, not anger or disruption.

Last year, I could count the number of times I lost my temper on the fingers of one hand. Each time, the consequence was bad. Very strangely, I was became increasingly aware of my feelings every time. Perhaps the first time I lost it last year, I was too caught up in the situation to acknowledge my emotions, the rise of anger, fueled by my sense of righteousness and ego. The last time I did it on Dec 25, 2011, I was so darned aware of what was happening inside me and the way the whole situation was proceeding towards disaster, that I could almost feel myself standing on one side, watching myself rip the scene with my rants, and I knew exactly what was going to happen after I’d finished doing it. And it happened exactly that way, minute-by-minute the scene played out my script. Unfortunately, even in my sense of awareness, I was unable to find the alternate way of handling that situation. It was like I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I totally let myself do it.

Well, my morbid curiosity is certainly satisfied now! And the more I thought over it, again and again, I realized what I should have done instead. A much more liberating thought than that helplessness that I had allowed myself to feel! What else can I do in this situation? How long can I keep my mouth shut? When will they understand and do the right thing? These questions still rake my mind. But this time I know what I can do. I know how I could have changed my responses to the situation, and changed it towards a better end.

Here’s what I realized:

What else can I do in this situation? – Nothing, if that is really the only option.

How long can I keep my mouth shut? – Always, if I cannot think of the right thing to say.

When will they understand and do the right thing? – One day they will understand. But that day is not today. So, I just need to wait.

Choosing to do nothing, to say nothing, and to just wait suddenly does not seem like a sense of helplessness. I realized that it’s a deliberate choice that I am making, and I am being smart if by controlling myself, I am preventing the situation from worsening. Inaction doesn’t seem so bad now, especially when I can do silent Daimoku while I think the right thing to say or do. 🙂

Plunging Down, Bobbing Up

On the heels of yesterday’s happiness and gratitude for the year gone by comes the following thought:

What is one supposed to do when someone comes so close that when they take even a step away, it makes one feel that they have gone too far?
And what is one supposed to do when someone goes so far that if they took even one step closer, one would think, come on just one more step, it’s not so far?

Oscillating between depths and heights,

Swinging between highs and lows,

Struggling to keep my head above water,

My heart insists on being morose.

I try hard, so hard, not to reach out, not to ask,

Am I going to lose this battle today?

Just a little more courage, just a bit more,

No one will see my tears, but for a while I might need a mask.

Return to the roost

My daughter came back home on her own. Says that she’s realized who was wrong, and who was right. And realized that she could neither live with pretenders, nor pretend herself. I am happy that she’s returned after the realization, and not just because she felt more comfortable with me. Probably, this will be more sustainable this way. But I’ve got my fingers and toes all crossed! I don’t want to relax and think that all’s gonna be ok. Might be grounds for some rude awakening! Most of all, I want to be a lot more aware parent than I was before, and do more things right than I did before. Learn from my mistakes, and be more careful this time around. But I AM SO HAPPY!!!!

Jul11, 2011

What a nightmare of a weekend! With a lot of fear and trepidation, I set up a time to meet my kids on Sunday. It started out ok. My son was his usual comic self. He could sing a really old number, and that really impressed me! Teenagers today would die of shame to admit that they even recognized an old number. And he was enjoying it! Dancing in his seat, and making all those cute faces, lifting his eyebrows! He is such a great dancer; each of his body cells dances! My daughter seemed to be ok too. Cheerful in fact. The traffic was bad. The closest mall seemed totally inaccessible, and we decided to go to another. Finally we reached, parked, and got in. As we made our way to the food court, my son kept walking into shops to check out the latest mobile phones. His phone is in a really bad shape. Doesn’t even have a back cover, and I do think that he’s being quite patient about it.

Still, we were hungry, and I told him to postpone his cellphone survey until we had eaten. Eating at the food court was out of the question because there was no place to sit, and it didn’t seem as if there would be any for a long time. So, we chose an Italian restaurant, and sat down. After deciding the dish she wanted to have, my daughter went out of the restaurant to check out some BB covers. Then, my son followed her. He returned in a while to ask for money for her to buy the cover. It was not too much money, but I did feel that the cover was expensive. And, more importantly, I felt really bad that after ignoring me for so many weeks, not even turning up for my b’day, they were taking me down the buy-our-time routine again. I just flipped, and told my son that she could buy it with her father. She flipped too, and her messaging on her BB increased big time. She returned to her seat, but wasn’t interested in even looking at me. I finally could not take it any longer, and after asking her to put her phone away a couple of times, and to stop ignoring me, I decided to just up and leave. We got the kids’ dishes packed, and left. I tried talking to her, to tell her how her behavior of ignoring me all the time and looking at me as just a money purse was hurting me. But it was no use. She went from belligerent to downright rude and insulting. she’s going through a bad time today, trying to recover from a heartbreak. The last straw was when she said that I keep hinting at doing something to kill myself, but don’t really do it. And, here I was thinking that I was doing it right by holding myself together, and not breaking down and committing suicide after finding myself completely alone, left alone by my kids – the only people for whom I was living.

I should have just done that, I guess!

But I didn’t. Why? I am not sure. A multitude of reasons: Will to survive, what will my parents go through, will my kids end up feeling endless guilt, friends will be pained, just the desire to not give up and make my life an example of recovery and moving on. Many more such reasons, but these are at the top.

At the moment, my relationship with my kids seems irreparable. My ex and his parents seem to be getting all that they wanted. God seems to be on their side, and against me. The question of when am I going to get mine seems to crowd the back of my head, far too often. And I have never been revengeful or hateful. Still it’s hitting me. But I know: this is not all that it appears to be. They don’t have all going for them, and I haven’t lost everything. At least not yet! I am gaining newer, better, stronger friendships than ever before. My job continues to be my pride, although things are bad there too. My health is surprisingly better. I am redecorating my house, and it looks good to me.

But I think what keeps me hanging on, and going on is the feeling that these are my challenges, difficult challenges, but ones that only I can overcome because:

  1. God has more faith in my strength than in others’.
  2. Some important lessons are coming my way because of these challenges.
  3. There are kinks in my character that will get ironed out as a result of these challenges.
  4. I have made many mistakes, and these challenges are the resultant situations, but these are also warnings for me to stop making mistakes like these. Get my act together, and start doing it right.

So, I am gonna cry, but I am gonna try.

I will make it right; with all I have, I will fight.

Get it all right, and wonderful this time.

Good luck to me,  hope I make it ok,

And make everyone smile – all of the time.

Day 4, scratch that 6!

This is not going so well. I am falling so far behind in my gymming and blogging!

Day 2, scratch that, Day 3!

Two sisters, separated from their brother, couldn’t be enough for each other. Drove to kill themselves, each other. The city is shocked. And I realize how lucky I am. My brother once drew me a birthday card that showed his hand underneath my foot, protecting me from the puddle below. All he said was, “I’ll always be there.’ And he has always been. And the wonder of it all is how he manages to do that while still maintaining my space for me. In his calmness, I find my equanimity. He knows everything, all the stupid things I have done. And he still appreciates me. Stands by me. How, why, why not, …. asking nothing. Just walks up to me, once in a lifetime, to hug me. Letting me be free, but at the right moment, acting as the glue to hold me, together, for a moment. Letting me find my strength again, letting me always be. Letting me be me. Thank you A!

It would be rude of me to ignore though that where he might have failed, that’s where S, his wife completes the story. I am truly blessed. Thank you God!

Finding a new beginning

Starting afresh when everything you took for granted is gone. It’s a very lonely feeling, and I feel very confused. So hesitant: do I start from this point, or do I turn around, and try to make the wrongs right?
What will I achieve by reaching out for people who have forgotten me and gone? What will I achieve by remembering moments that are never going to be repeated? The essence seems to have gone. Now, I feel like an empty shell. And I don’t know if I should think about all that I have lost, or should I start working on refilling this shell. Will I appear cold and unfeeling? Of course people will say that it didn’t matter to her, she didn’t care anyways.

They will. I know it.

It will hurt. I know it.

But I can’t change it.

At times, the despair gets to me and I want to just end my life. But I don’t. I haven’t.

I am trying to recreate a new life, a new routine for myself – step by step, thread by thread, one day at a time. Looking forward to criticism and brickbats from others, and tons of grit and strength from myself.

And here’s what I am thinking – writing this blog everyday will help me talk to me and together we’ll get through this phase I call “My New Solitary Life”. And at the end of it all, I will find myself – a new me, and then it won’t be so solitary anymore. At least I will have someone – me!

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