When I can't think no more, and the thoughts crowd my head, I let them out, one at a time, and after sorting them, put them back together again…in order to begin entangling another web!

Archive for the category “Loneliness”

Plunging Down, Bobbing Up

On the heels of yesterday’s happiness and gratitude for the year gone by comes the following thought:

What is one supposed to do when someone comes so close that when they take even a step away, it makes one feel that they have gone too far?
And what is one supposed to do when someone goes so far that if they took even one step closer, one would think, come on just one more step, it’s not so far?

Oscillating between depths and heights,

Swinging between highs and lows,

Struggling to keep my head above water,

My heart insists on being morose.

I try hard, so hard, not to reach out, not to ask,

Am I going to lose this battle today?

Just a little more courage, just a bit more,

No one will see my tears, but for a while I might need a mask.


Happy 2012, Thank you 2011!

I am so thankful for the year gone by. It was a year that taught me a lot about life, myself, people, relationships, hope, letting go, self-control, Buddhism, and my blessings. I struggled on both personal and professional fronts. I struggled to keep my temper in check. Many things did not go the way I wanted them to. And during all these struggles and disappointments, I realized my own strength. I realized that I can go through a lot of difficult situations and come out smiling. I realized the most important lesson of my life: I can be alone, by myself, without anyone, and I can be quite happy and satisfied. I do not need others for my happiness. They do not bring me peace, and, therefore, they are not the cause of my problems and dissatisfaction. I am independent and responsible for my feelings, and I can take care of myself.
This also made me free, completely free, to do things for others without expecting them to acknowledge it, to change anything because of it, or to care for me because of it – not even one tiny bit of expectation.
Yes, it was hard to learn these lessons. But this learning leaves behind such a sweet happy taste! I feel stronger and more ready to do things.
It’s not a spark of confidence. It’s a cemented force with the potential to do more, and the grounding to be able to go on, to continue.
Ooooh! I feeel gooood!!!

Letting go – seemingly easy!

I thought I had it all figured out. How naive can a human mind be? I talked to myself for hours on end, arguing both sides of the debate, and then figured out some more sides to the whole argument. Analytical, super-foretelling me! Yeah, right! I mean, how could I think that I could foresee all possible situations? Generically speaking, specifics cannot be determined! No! Never! Who am I to demonstrate that being a parent can be easy when it’s supposed to be probably the most difficult task in the world. Really, how could I have ignored the kind of help there is available for parents when they face difficult situations? Why would handing out this help be such a profit-making proposition, if it were not so necessary, not so critical?

So simple it seemed. Let go. No one stays, no one will be there. So, you gotta be independent, expect them to not be there! But how do I do it day after day? So, what caused this mental fight to ensue in me? Why do I feel engulfed by these questions that hit me from all sides?

Here’s what happened.

Today, when my eighteen-year old (awfully young in my mind) said she wants to celebrate her first new year’s eve without me, I didn’t know whether I could just let her do that.  I am sooo struggling to let her go. On one hand, I can totally understand her – who would want to be without their friends, not have that fun that her friends’ company would offer, and miss the chance to have the time of her life on New Year’s eve. On the other hand, is the mother inside me who rears her head, I think, quite selfishly. Selfishly, I want to hold my baby to me, and never let go. As a parent, I worry. So, I ask her for the promise, and she gives it totally unhesitatingly – she would not cross her limit of drinking. The minute she starts to feel the high, she’ll stop drinking, and on my way back from my party with my friends, I can pick her up. Looks like a pretty reasonable thing, doesn’t it?

Even the woman inside me, especially the single woman, is kind of looking forward to a party without my children. Then, I can simply look to enjoy myself, without any worries of my kids – did they eat, what did they eat, what did they miss, are they dancing, are they getting bored, are they surrounded by unsavory characters, are they ok? God! I really would never give it a break. And they were always so rolling-their-eyes tolerant of my super-mothering-hen kind of behavior. With them out of my sight, enjoying life at their own parties, maybe I can restrict myself to a few well-spaced out calls, and ensure that we all have a good time without stressing each other out. Then, I had the dilemma – what about my son! Without his sister for company, he’d be totally out of his mind at the party with me and my friends. So, he solves that problem so simply – he’ll spend time with his father and his father’s wife. He hasn’t met them for some time, and this would be a good time to make up for that. So, it all seems to be working out – isn’t it? So, why am I still nervous? Why am I still wondering if it’s the right thing to do? With or without me, my son and daughter want to have their own plans, and I can have fun on my own too. So, what in the world is wrong with me? Why am I over-thinking this?

Is it just that it will be strange to celebrate without them, or is it that I am wondering how people around me will look at this? Or is it that I’ll be pitied as the abandoned mother? Did I even give this a second’s thought when I decided to celebrate my new year’s eve without my parents for the first time? So, why it so difficult to let go of my kids, and let them have fun without me?

Jul11, 2011

What a nightmare of a weekend! With a lot of fear and trepidation, I set up a time to meet my kids on Sunday. It started out ok. My son was his usual comic self. He could sing a really old number, and that really impressed me! Teenagers today would die of shame to admit that they even recognized an old number. And he was enjoying it! Dancing in his seat, and making all those cute faces, lifting his eyebrows! He is such a great dancer; each of his body cells dances! My daughter seemed to be ok too. Cheerful in fact. The traffic was bad. The closest mall seemed totally inaccessible, and we decided to go to another. Finally we reached, parked, and got in. As we made our way to the food court, my son kept walking into shops to check out the latest mobile phones. His phone is in a really bad shape. Doesn’t even have a back cover, and I do think that he’s being quite patient about it.

Still, we were hungry, and I told him to postpone his cellphone survey until we had eaten. Eating at the food court was out of the question because there was no place to sit, and it didn’t seem as if there would be any for a long time. So, we chose an Italian restaurant, and sat down. After deciding the dish she wanted to have, my daughter went out of the restaurant to check out some BB covers. Then, my son followed her. He returned in a while to ask for money for her to buy the cover. It was not too much money, but I did feel that the cover was expensive. And, more importantly, I felt really bad that after ignoring me for so many weeks, not even turning up for my b’day, they were taking me down the buy-our-time routine again. I just flipped, and told my son that she could buy it with her father. She flipped too, and her messaging on her BB increased big time. She returned to her seat, but wasn’t interested in even looking at me. I finally could not take it any longer, and after asking her to put her phone away a couple of times, and to stop ignoring me, I decided to just up and leave. We got the kids’ dishes packed, and left. I tried talking to her, to tell her how her behavior of ignoring me all the time and looking at me as just a money purse was hurting me. But it was no use. She went from belligerent to downright rude and insulting. she’s going through a bad time today, trying to recover from a heartbreak. The last straw was when she said that I keep hinting at doing something to kill myself, but don’t really do it. And, here I was thinking that I was doing it right by holding myself together, and not breaking down and committing suicide after finding myself completely alone, left alone by my kids – the only people for whom I was living.

I should have just done that, I guess!

But I didn’t. Why? I am not sure. A multitude of reasons: Will to survive, what will my parents go through, will my kids end up feeling endless guilt, friends will be pained, just the desire to not give up and make my life an example of recovery and moving on. Many more such reasons, but these are at the top.

At the moment, my relationship with my kids seems irreparable. My ex and his parents seem to be getting all that they wanted. God seems to be on their side, and against me. The question of when am I going to get mine seems to crowd the back of my head, far too often. And I have never been revengeful or hateful. Still it’s hitting me. But I know: this is not all that it appears to be. They don’t have all going for them, and I haven’t lost everything. At least not yet! I am gaining newer, better, stronger friendships than ever before. My job continues to be my pride, although things are bad there too. My health is surprisingly better. I am redecorating my house, and it looks good to me.

But I think what keeps me hanging on, and going on is the feeling that these are my challenges, difficult challenges, but ones that only I can overcome because:

  1. God has more faith in my strength than in others’.
  2. Some important lessons are coming my way because of these challenges.
  3. There are kinks in my character that will get ironed out as a result of these challenges.
  4. I have made many mistakes, and these challenges are the resultant situations, but these are also warnings for me to stop making mistakes like these. Get my act together, and start doing it right.

So, I am gonna cry, but I am gonna try.

I will make it right; with all I have, I will fight.

Get it all right, and wonderful this time.

Good luck to me,  hope I make it ok,

And make everyone smile – all of the time.

Day 2, scratch that, Day 3!

Two sisters, separated from their brother, couldn’t be enough for each other. Drove to kill themselves, each other. The city is shocked. And I realize how lucky I am. My brother once drew me a birthday card that showed his hand underneath my foot, protecting me from the puddle below. All he said was, “I’ll always be there.’ And he has always been. And the wonder of it all is how he manages to do that while still maintaining my space for me. In his calmness, I find my equanimity. He knows everything, all the stupid things I have done. And he still appreciates me. Stands by me. How, why, why not, …. asking nothing. Just walks up to me, once in a lifetime, to hug me. Letting me be free, but at the right moment, acting as the glue to hold me, together, for a moment. Letting me find my strength again, letting me always be. Letting me be me. Thank you A!

It would be rude of me to ignore though that where he might have failed, that’s where S, his wife completes the story. I am truly blessed. Thank you God!

Finding a new beginning

Starting afresh when everything you took for granted is gone. It’s a very lonely feeling, and I feel very confused. So hesitant: do I start from this point, or do I turn around, and try to make the wrongs right?
What will I achieve by reaching out for people who have forgotten me and gone? What will I achieve by remembering moments that are never going to be repeated? The essence seems to have gone. Now, I feel like an empty shell. And I don’t know if I should think about all that I have lost, or should I start working on refilling this shell. Will I appear cold and unfeeling? Of course people will say that it didn’t matter to her, she didn’t care anyways.

They will. I know it.

It will hurt. I know it.

But I can’t change it.

At times, the despair gets to me and I want to just end my life. But I don’t. I haven’t.

I am trying to recreate a new life, a new routine for myself – step by step, thread by thread, one day at a time. Looking forward to criticism and brickbats from others, and tons of grit and strength from myself.

And here’s what I am thinking – writing this blog everyday will help me talk to me and together we’ll get through this phase I call “My New Solitary Life”. And at the end of it all, I will find myself – a new me, and then it won’t be so solitary anymore. At least I will have someone – me!

New Beginning, Another Goodbye

Reactions acted, Words spoken rashly,

Clutching hopes, Phrasing apologies,

Holding on to Be, Creating a new ME.

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