newlife2design

When I can't think no more, and the thoughts crowd my head, I let them out, one at a time, and after sorting them, put them back together again…in order to begin entangling another web!

Archive for the category “Personal”

Movies and Life

All the movies that you have watched and related to in a deep manner are somehow the parts of your life. The movie comes to an end, but your life doesn’t. All through the movie you keep on feeling the emotion, and identifying with a character. You relate to their pain and sadness. The happy scenes trigger off a smile in your mind, recalling a moment shared in your life time. And the movie and you become entwined. But then the movie comes to an end. And your life is still going on. Those who left and caused you pain, somehow find themselves coming around. And then another movie comes along, and you realize that it’s telling your story one more time. You pause and you connect, something inside you causes you to reflect. Is that what happened to me? Should I have done something different? You become the protagonist and the deuteragonist and the tritagonist…. and you switch roles and feelings the way it feels true. and you want to explain something better, deny what is untrue. You become involved, and sink in to the movie. You feel challenged, and you feel dismayed. Something in your soul has been completely swayed. And then when you have risen to the peak of your feelings, you are smashed to the ground. Another movie has come to an end, another phase is over without a sound. You are left in a room and the credits are rolling up. You want to stay in that moment. You want to go back to the start. You don’t want it to end. But it does. So, you get up and continue. It’s over. You tell yourself. And you can’t hold on to it, no matter what you do. You let that moment slip though your subconsciousness. You learn to let the movie go. And let your life continue. You go on. You take your learnings from this story, and your movie memories. Weave them with the events of your life. Make new resolutions and make new plans. The characters have sired you up. You’re going for that morning run. and you are going to smile through your pain. You will let your lovers go, and you will learn to live again. You’ll be true, and you will be wise. Every moment is precious, every chance has to be tried. Life had come to a pause. The reel has shown you another side. Your life might have been in a rut, or running at breakneck speed. But you’ve had your two hours to pause and reflect, and all the memories that you wanted to recollect. It’s time to get up. Time for that coffee. time to move on. Until the next heart-wrenching movie comes along, to shake your core one more time, to make you let go, one more time. To make you hold on and love your life – one more time.

Clean up This World

Since when have I felt this need?

This need to hide, for anonymity?

Since I knew I was going to be a woman.

And now I look to hide, hide away to protect my dignity.

Uncovered parts could leave me unclothed

When I step out into the big bad world of these x-ray-eyed heroes.

They have already acknowledged my right as a victim

I will die alone, unknown to my family.

Hopefully, they will be spared the horror of being witnesses

As I am rendered unable to deny or ask,

What I have done to deserve this.

I am so sorry I was born. Please accept my apology.

My karma must have been bad.

If I had known better, I would have been born a man.

Unrestrained, I could have roamed free.

Got sympathy, if somebody stole from me.

Unquestioned, I would have lived.

My life could have been trouble-free!

Finally, one day when all like me have been killed at birth, at 75, or at puberty,

One day this world would be finally woman-free!

Of course, there’s a way to continue the human race without any women,

So that men can then, live alone, with peace, happiness, and purity!

LIVING AND DYING REVISITED

We come down in this world as souls adrift. Do we know what we are meant to do while we are here? Some of us seem to be so goal-oriented. Intent on success, we stride on our chosen paths. For others, most of us, the confusion lingers on, and we never know where we are going, where we have reached, how far ahead we have to go. We never even have a moment to identify all those places that we have passed by. In most of the life stories that I have read, I have seen people go through periods and periods of despair, confusion, and pain. Did they know that through this excruciating journey, they will one day find greatness? One day, people will look at them, and regard them with amazement for having achieved what they did. But does the worker know this while he toils? Or is he just concentrating on the task at hand, and completing that step he is taking at that moment? When he continues on to the next step, does he know that he has taken it in the right direction, or does he make a mental note of where he has started from lest he has to return here when he realizes his mistake? What does define success and failure?

As we live from day-to-day, is there a chance that we are wrong in calling life a journey? Maybe we don’t have to go anywhere at all. Maybe we have already reached where we had to. Maybe this earth, this planet is the one we were heading towards while continuing our galactic journeys? Maybe the reason we take human shapes only when we are born on Earth because that is where we were supposed to come to a stop. Here we can settle down, relax, and call it a permanent home, as permanent  as it can be called for the next 0 – 100 years. A life time, calculated in earth years. We come here, to take form, contribute, and deliver the payment (rent) for our stay on Earth. And then, going on, we will once again don the soul shape, and in that light, unformed, unconstrained, form, I can continue on to the next stop – the next planet, or galaxy perhaps? And depending on how adventurous I am, I will travel far, and away, and after making new discoveries, and gaining more experiences, one day I will drop down on Earth once again – my pit stop, and take a breather. Of course, I will need to obey the rules of the land, and take a body – whatever is available. Don’t really have a choice.

I would have seen so many things on my travels. And now I would like to share the shaping of my mind and my thoughts with others. Maybe, I do touch different souls, and tell them what I have gained, and lost. But these people will be different from the ones I had a chance to meet in my previous lifetime.

So, in that respect, maybe my life on Earth is not a journey, but a stay, a rest, and my travel is from and to Earth, not on Earth.

So, how do I want to look at life’s problems again? What do I want to think about all those happy times that I see on earth? Do I want to think about the time that I am losing from my journey through the universe by living longer on earth? Is that why I so often feel that I am wasting time, doing nothing? Is that why I feel better when I fall asleep, and acquire that dreamy weightlessness that allows me to travel across geographical boundaries, and even my yesterdays, and tomorrows? It gives me a chance to experience days and nights that I can never hope to live as the body that I have taken on Earth. Maybe that is why my dreams allow me a break – they take me away from Earth, and then giving me that bit of relaxation, bring me back, refreshed anew, and ready to live another day on Earth, and continue to be with others – my family, friends, and enemies.

A few…for me!

A few dreams I have collected inside me,
A few desires I will succumb to,
A few smiles I will grab for me,
A few scowls I will ignore too.
A few wins that I am waiting to find,
A few losses I will learn from,
A few paths I will make mine,
A few roads I will turn away from.
But there is something that is written for me,
It’s to be my own, my destiny.
Whether I choose to recreate or follow it,
It will be the epitaph I finally write for me.

On Trial

I offer the world another chance to judge me,

Declare me lacking, and to criticize me.

When I receive nothing in words, I claim to have seen it in their eyes.

Words do not matter; their looks have said it all; their compliments are just lies.

Renewing Faith

Many members of my Buddhism practice share their experiences frequently. I have not had this chance too often. And I have often wondered if this was my karma or my lack of recognition of experiences/victories, or worse still, maybe it indicated my lack of commitment to the faith.

On April 28, 2012, I enshrined the Gohonzon in my house. It was one of the most special days of my life. Right from the time I got up on that day, my moments of discoveries began.

I got up earlier than usual, and got to cleaning my house. To others’ eyes, it was clean enough. But to my utter satisfaction, I had found a long-forgotten, hardly-ever-noticed window in the kitchen that was so terribly dirty. It just had to be cleaned – right then! So, I started.

First, I just cleaned the net on the inner window panes. Then, I realized that the glasses on the outer panes were much more filthy, and the task would just not be complete unless I had them clean. So, I took a deep breath, and renewed my efforts.

As I soaped, washed, and scrubbed, I realized that while the inside of the pane was easy to clean, it was really tough to do the outside. But if the outside wasn’t done, it just, yeah, you’re right, it just wouldn’t be complete! So, even though it was really difficult to reach, and even more difficult to scrub, I continued, cleaning the outside even more vigorously than the inside.

And, I thought to myself that cleaning the window was pretty akin to cleansing oneself, or rather one’s soul. If I wasn’t clean from within, if I didn’t rid myself of all the negativity and the impurity, no matter how hard it was to do that cleansing, I would never ever be really clean, I’d never ever be truly happy.

Two hours later, I was pretty satisfied with the result. The kitchen suddenly had so much light!! I was really happy.

Finally, I went to bathe and check that sms I had heard sometime ago during my cleaning.

The sms read:

Good Morning and congratulations for your Gohonzon enshrinement today. How lucky you are to enshrine on such an auspicious day when Nichiren Daishonin chanted Nam-myoho-renge-kyo for the first time. Please do not forget that actually Gohonzon exists within and this Gohonzon which is being enshrined in your house today is going to be an external stimuli to bring out your Buddhahood when chanted with strong faith. NMRK

 I had such a BIIGGG smile on my face!

This sms had just reinforced the thoughts that I had been having while cleaning the window. And now my belief was unshakeable – it was going to be the day when everything was going to go right!

Then, I went to wake up my daughter to see if she’d come along with me to shop for all the stuff I needed for the enshrinement, and if she’d be willing to attend it.

Initially, she refused for both the things, but then her love for me took over, and she accompanied me to help out with everything. she helped me buy everything, running around to get everything done on time, and between us we had everything in order, just before members started walking in. She was extremely enthusiastic the whole time, advising me wherever she felt necessary, never cribbing about the heavy loads she had to carry. Last night, she had even spent an hour with me to get the furniture clean.

But, she left the house right before the actual ceremony began. Still, I have faith that one day she will join this practice again, and be able to reap the benefits, just like I have.

The entire ceremony was beautiful. Very calm, all-encompassing, and extremely uplifting! My brother and mother attended. And the Gohonzon was enshrined by the same leaders that I had wished for.

Members told me that I would see the difference in my life after this day.

And I do.

Little things have changed. And I know some big changes are just around the corner – building up from the little things that really do matter.

Today, I am happy to report that I have an experience to share!

Yesterday, after many days of smouldering tension, the volcano between my daughter and I just erupted. The issue was extremely mundane. We had discussed in the recent past that because of my lack of energy and time, I was unable to cook meals for the two of us, and because she was home almost all day, she could take on this responsibility. This would help us eat at home – and not spend huge loads of money on rich, not-so-healthy meals outside.

However, she wasn’t really taking on the responsibility completely. And on one point, she was really adamant – she wouldn’t purchase the veggies or groceries. We seemed to have reached a stalemate. Yesterday morning, I raised the issue in a not-so-understanding manner, and of course, my daughter just lost her cool and started shouting rudely.

Extremely upset, I left for work, but was troubled throughout the day. I kept trying to talk to her on the phone, but was unable to keep the conversation on an even keel. The lowest point came when, totally exasperated, I told her that I didn’t want to live with her anymore because of her rude behavior, and taking-others-for-granted attitude.

In my emotional turmoil, I was unable to work. I called up my brother, and related the entire incident to him. He listened with empathy, and advised me to chant. Coincidentally, one of the members called me and asked if she could come over and chant with me in the evening. I accepted.

In the evening, I tried to set aside my problem, and concentrate on chanting with my friend. But my mind continued to be restless.

Suddenly, while chanting, a thought struck me that even though the situation appeared really bad, and it seemed as if all actions needed to be taken by my daughter, was there really nothing that I could do? Wasn’t there something that I could try to perhaps improve the situation? At that moment, I realized that my friend and I were chanting really powerfully and in perfect rhythm and coordination. We seemed to have built up the perfect crescendo! Acknowledging the joyful note in our Daimoku, I realized that the Gohonzon was inspiring me to not feel hopeless, and sparking a confidence in me to take action. I wondered if making a dish – paneer or chicken – relatively easy to procure, and quick to make, could help me kind-of sweeten the situation for my daughter, and convey to her more demonstratively that I loved her, and wanted the situation between us to improve.

After our Daimoku, my friend and I chatted for a brief time over a cup of coffee. Then, I ordered some raw chicken and salami to be delivered to our home. After that I hunted for the paneer all over the fridge. Of course, I was unable to find it. But, just before leaving the house to buy the paneer, I thought, let me call up my daughter, and ask her. I was unsure of how she would speak to me, if she at all chose to pick up my call.

She did pick up the phone, just as I was about to hang up after many rings. And she spoke so sweetly! My heart was overjoyed at just hearing her nice tone. She told me where the paneer was, and promised to return soon, and make the parathas.

I made the paneer, and switched on my laptop to attend my call. She returned while my call was still going on.

After I ended my call, she came over to talk to me. She apologized for her behavior, and promised to purchase the groceries from then on. She also told me that she wasn’t apologizing to just end the matter, but she genuinely felt sorry, and wanted the situation between us to improve. Thereafter, the evening progressed just perfectly, and for a short time, we returned to being the happy, laughing mother-daughter duo.

In gratitude, I chanted three Daimoku to the Gohonzon.

Honestly speaking, I felt like a cherished, protected baby that the Gohonzon was tending to – making sure that I did not falter in faith, instilling more belief in me for the practice by granting me victories immediately, not making me struggle so much, not making me question, but nurturing me to be stronger in faith – helping me carry out my promise:

“Demonstrating the power of this practice through my victories to the rest of the world, and developing my own Buddhahood from within by growing in faith.”

Thank you Nichiren Daishonin, thank you my leaders, thank you my friend who shaku-bukoed me, and thank you Gohonzon! Thank you all!

Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo!

Nice of you to have stopped by…

I had no idea what was building up. Very quietly, slowly, you grew up on me. I didn’t realize your presence at first. Then, suddenly, there you were! Where the hell did you crop up from? Why are you here? Why are you subjecting me to this kind of torture? I never even knew you existed. So, I could hardly have invited you here.

Wait a minute! Let me think back. Did I say anything to point your attention to me? Did I do anything that could have made you feel welcome in my life? You know that nobody likes you. No one ever wants you around. Yet, you refuse to give up. And your entry mechanisms never change, do they? You’ll just sit there right outside the door, listening in, biding your time. Just when we are not looking, you’ll slip in through the cracks.

Yes, yes, I know. The cracks are there in my life. Sometimes, I have just been too lazy to bring things to closure. And just when I or someone I claimed to love, didn’t close the door properly, or we were too busy fighting with each other, you got your chance to sneak in.

Once you were there, reasons unimportant, you just feasted on my sorrow, on my feelings that I was trying so hard to bury. You dug up even those feelings that I thought I had been able to set aside. I thought I had moved on. You fed on my anger, and you grew to a humongous size. You were too much to ignore. And you just wouldn’t leave.

You touched everything, everyone, nothing was above you. All of it was tainted suddenly, so horribly.  I thought you’d just taken over my house. I wanted to run away. I thought you’d taken over my life. I wanted to die. But I didn’t want to give up without a fight. So, I fought with all my might. and you took advantage that I was so blinded by my fury, that I just didn’t know where to strike. So, conveniently, you hid. You hid behind everyone around me. I don’t know why they felt compelled to shield you. Why they thought that diverting my attention from you was the right thing to do. Did you never think about what you were doing to me? I grew weak in my misery, and I felt you were making everyone sneer and laugh at me. They saw what you were making me go through, and did nothing to help me. Life had never been so bleak and hopeless.

Right when I hit rock bottom, and I thought it was the end, I saw a small, tiny flickering light. That light made me look at myself. You’d made me really dirty,. But, you know what? I was dirtier because of my own actions. My filth was my own creation. Yes, you got me down. But you didn’t finish me.  I was trying to finish the job that seemingly you had started. But this tiny ray of light had changed everything. I could see better even though the light was not so strong. So, I stepped back and gave that light some air. Dragging in a deep breath, I saw it fed with more oxygen. The light grew stronger, and soon became a flame. I felt, confident, alive once again. I was going to cleanse myself. So, I picked up the duster, and started shaking the dirt off myself. Ruthlessly, I continued until I felt clean. I could see better; there was clarity. I looked up and found that the sky was just as blue, the grass and trees that I so loved were just as green as they used to be. The simple pleasures of life once again gave me peace. And with that peace, I started stitching everything that was torn, making myself whole, once again. I removed the parts I didn’t like, I tidied myself and smiled.

That’s when it hit me. This is what you’d come into my life, hadn’t you? I was getting complacent. I had stopped thinking, developed a comfort zone that I was reluctant to leave. You came in to shake me up. To make me realize that although still alive, I had stopped living. I had reached one peak, and wasn’t interested in getting back down, and finding a new mountain to climb. I didn’t want to change. I didn’t want to struggle. I just thought that by letting things be, I was indeed letting them be. But nothing stays the same, does it? Everything had started to go stale. Rot had started to set in. My family, friends, and colleagues were starting to feel the stink. They were going to leave.

Before I lost everything that was dear to me, you walked in and forced me to change – to clean. I started to feel good with that change. Today, I realize that I should never have resisted you. I should have embraced you. Because you are the one who game the opportunity to move from good to better. You are the reason for the new, clean, improved me.

Thank you dear PROBLEM. I am so sorry. I had no idea that you were going to be the one to shape a better me. Thank you for helping me change!

So, so nice of you to have stopped by. Whenever you think I am getting stupid, and getting stuck in a rut, please feel free and visit again. I realize that you are named Problem, but really, you are the only chance for a better me!

Choosing Peace

Jan 2011 I decided to give up my anger. Among other factors, I felt that my anger had been the primary reason, at times instigator, sometimes the catalyst for all the negative situations that had arisen in my home. True, a lot of horrible things happened to me, and I hadn’t done anything to deserve them. But caught up in self-pity and desirous of sympathy and attention, I refused to consider if I could have chosen to not get angry, and, thereby, prevented situations from worsening.

With my 20/20 hindsight, it’s so easy to see where I could have not shouted, toned down my reactions, and removed provocation. In the false sense of calmness that I feel while looking back, I know I could have handled things better, leading to very different, maybe even positive consequences.

I can’t bring the time back, I can’t change anything in the past. Neither am I so confident that I will do things differently in the future. It’s far too easy, and too damn difficult to “Never ever get angry!”. But I know how I feel now. The regrets in my heart don’t help me forgive others, but pretty much put the ball firmly in my court. The sense of control that I have on my own actions, makes me feel that at least for the time being, I can choose peace over anger. And that I think is far more sustainable than trying to control all of my future. “For the time being” is so much easier to predict and handle than “never”, “always”, and “forever”, don’t you think?

So, here’s my renewed choice for 2012 that I make today: When I need to, my first choice will be peace and calm, cooperation and understanding, not anger or disruption.

Last year, I could count the number of times I lost my temper on the fingers of one hand. Each time, the consequence was bad. Very strangely, I was became increasingly aware of my feelings every time. Perhaps the first time I lost it last year, I was too caught up in the situation to acknowledge my emotions, the rise of anger, fueled by my sense of righteousness and ego. The last time I did it on Dec 25, 2011, I was so darned aware of what was happening inside me and the way the whole situation was proceeding towards disaster, that I could almost feel myself standing on one side, watching myself rip the scene with my rants, and I knew exactly what was going to happen after I’d finished doing it. And it happened exactly that way, minute-by-minute the scene played out my script. Unfortunately, even in my sense of awareness, I was unable to find the alternate way of handling that situation. It was like I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I totally let myself do it.

Well, my morbid curiosity is certainly satisfied now! And the more I thought over it, again and again, I realized what I should have done instead. A much more liberating thought than that helplessness that I had allowed myself to feel! What else can I do in this situation? How long can I keep my mouth shut? When will they understand and do the right thing? These questions still rake my mind. But this time I know what I can do. I know how I could have changed my responses to the situation, and changed it towards a better end.

Here’s what I realized:

What else can I do in this situation? – Nothing, if that is really the only option.

How long can I keep my mouth shut? – Always, if I cannot think of the right thing to say.

When will they understand and do the right thing? – One day they will understand. But that day is not today. So, I just need to wait.

Choosing to do nothing, to say nothing, and to just wait suddenly does not seem like a sense of helplessness. I realized that it’s a deliberate choice that I am making, and I am being smart if by controlling myself, I am preventing the situation from worsening. Inaction doesn’t seem so bad now, especially when I can do silent Daimoku while I think the right thing to say or do. 🙂

If only life were so simple!

So, here’s something that occurred to me yesterday while reading a book. Books, typically the ones that have some romance in them, always make it so convenient for us to know who the heroine and hero are. And these characters will either find happiness for ever with each other, and the book will have a happy ending, or these characters will not end up with each other, and the book will have a sad ending. In fact, even if they find happiness with other people, there will be a definite twinge of sadness in the book.

But my point is that it’s so easy to determine when they will be happy – it will be when they are with each other. As a reader I know who the right and wrong people are in the book, and I can so easily choose the people on whom I will focus my loyalties.

So, why doesn’t life offer such clarity and foresight? Why can’t I know who’s going to be my hero in real life – the one who’ll make my life-story have a happy ending? What if I already know him? Imagine the time that’s being wasted while we carry on separate lives, with our loneliness, and disappointments from other relationships! It could be so much more simple if we would just know who is the “One” for us.

This simple clarity might even help me with my quitter mentality – the one that makes me think that all’s over with the first disagreement. If I knew my hero, I wouldn’t get so scared whenever I have a fight with him. I’d be so cool, wouldn’t I? Just stating my point of view with a healthy regard for his perspective, content and confident in my knowledge that the difference in our opinions does not matter, and it’s simply a matter of time before we are once again happy together.

Oh I do wish this were so!

Plunging Down, Bobbing Up

On the heels of yesterday’s happiness and gratitude for the year gone by comes the following thought:

What is one supposed to do when someone comes so close that when they take even a step away, it makes one feel that they have gone too far?
And what is one supposed to do when someone goes so far that if they took even one step closer, one would think, come on just one more step, it’s not so far?

Oscillating between depths and heights,

Swinging between highs and lows,

Struggling to keep my head above water,

My heart insists on being morose.

I try hard, so hard, not to reach out, not to ask,

Am I going to lose this battle today?

Just a little more courage, just a bit more,

No one will see my tears, but for a while I might need a mask.

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