When I can't think no more, and the thoughts crowd my head, I let them out, one at a time, and after sorting them, put them back together again…in order to begin entangling another web!

Archive for the category “Reflections”

Movies and Life

All the movies that you have watched and related to in a deep manner are somehow the parts of your life. The movie comes to an end, but your life doesn’t. All through the movie you keep on feeling the emotion, and identifying with a character. You relate to their pain and sadness. The happy scenes trigger off a smile in your mind, recalling a moment shared in your life time. And the movie and you become entwined. But then the movie comes to an end. And your life is still going on. Those who left and caused you pain, somehow find themselves coming around. And then another movie comes along, and you realize that it’s telling your story one more time. You pause and you connect, something inside you causes you to reflect. Is that what happened to me? Should I have done something different? You become the protagonist and the deuteragonist and the tritagonist…. and you switch roles and feelings the way it feels true. and you want to explain something better, deny what is untrue. You become involved, and sink in to the movie. You feel challenged, and you feel dismayed. Something in your soul has been completely swayed. And then when you have risen to the peak of your feelings, you are smashed to the ground. Another movie has come to an end, another phase is over without a sound. You are left in a room and the credits are rolling up. You want to stay in that moment. You want to go back to the start. You don’t want it to end. But it does. So, you get up and continue. It’s over. You tell yourself. And you can’t hold on to it, no matter what you do. You let that moment slip though your subconsciousness. You learn to let the movie go. And let your life continue. You go on. You take your learnings from this story, and your movie memories. Weave them with the events of your life. Make new resolutions and make new plans. The characters have sired you up. You’re going for that morning run. and you are going to smile through your pain. You will let your lovers go, and you will learn to live again. You’ll be true, and you will be wise. Every moment is precious, every chance has to be tried. Life had come to a pause. The reel has shown you another side. Your life might have been in a rut, or running at breakneck speed. But you’ve had your two hours to pause and reflect, and all the memories that you wanted to recollect. It’s time to get up. Time for that coffee. time to move on. Until the next heart-wrenching movie comes along, to shake your core one more time, to make you let go, one more time. To make you hold on and love your life – one more time.


Clean up This World

Since when have I felt this need?

This need to hide, for anonymity?

Since I knew I was going to be a woman.

And now I look to hide, hide away to protect my dignity.

Uncovered parts could leave me unclothed

When I step out into the big bad world of these x-ray-eyed heroes.

They have already acknowledged my right as a victim

I will die alone, unknown to my family.

Hopefully, they will be spared the horror of being witnesses

As I am rendered unable to deny or ask,

What I have done to deserve this.

I am so sorry I was born. Please accept my apology.

My karma must have been bad.

If I had known better, I would have been born a man.

Unrestrained, I could have roamed free.

Got sympathy, if somebody stole from me.

Unquestioned, I would have lived.

My life could have been trouble-free!

Finally, one day when all like me have been killed at birth, at 75, or at puberty,

One day this world would be finally woman-free!

Of course, there’s a way to continue the human race without any women,

So that men can then, live alone, with peace, happiness, and purity!

Poems and Prose

In expensive notebooks, giving my words the best shelter and care,
Telling a friend,  bringing them up for air,
A tear, a smile, coating my own soul bare,
Years later these will tell me what I thought today,
For what I want to tell you, only my words can say.

Q: Is it ever anything but torturous watching a parent (and best friend) slowly dying? Answer: NO!!

Q: Is it ever anything but torturous watching a parent (and best friend) slowly dying? Answer: NO!!.

Just read this post. OMG! It just comes and hits you somewhere deep within.  Very soulfully written, bittersweet in its impact.


When we land on Earth, we get to experience so many things, and these are good and bad. What we choose to pick up, and what we leave behind from this huge Garden of Eden defines how we are going to live. If I choose to pick up the right things, I might lead a more guilt-free but abstinent life, than if I choose something that gives me immediate relief now, but great pain later. So, what am I going to opt for? And why do my natural tendencies, my first reactions, my gut feel, my instinct prompt me to pick up one thing, and not the other? Is it that when I was traveling around the universe, I had some experiences that led me to make these choices?

Does this karma of the choices and actions impact what I am going to do next, or is it the result of my travels from planets beyond? from lest he has to return here when he realizes his mistake? What defines success and failure?


We come down in this world as souls adrift. Do we know what we are meant to do while we are here? Some of us seem to be so goal-oriented. Intent on success, we stride on our chosen paths. For others, most of us, the confusion lingers on, and we never know where we are going, where we have reached, how far ahead we have to go. We never even have a moment to identify all those places that we have passed by. In most of the life stories that I have read, I have seen people go through periods and periods of despair, confusion, and pain. Did they know that through this excruciating journey, they will one day find greatness? One day, people will look at them, and regard them with amazement for having achieved what they did. But does the worker know this while he toils? Or is he just concentrating on the task at hand, and completing that step he is taking at that moment? When he continues on to the next step, does he know that he has taken it in the right direction, or does he make a mental note of where he has started from lest he has to return here when he realizes his mistake? What does define success and failure?

As we live from day-to-day, is there a chance that we are wrong in calling life a journey? Maybe we don’t have to go anywhere at all. Maybe we have already reached where we had to. Maybe this earth, this planet is the one we were heading towards while continuing our galactic journeys? Maybe the reason we take human shapes only when we are born on Earth because that is where we were supposed to come to a stop. Here we can settle down, relax, and call it a permanent home, as permanent  as it can be called for the next 0 – 100 years. A life time, calculated in earth years. We come here, to take form, contribute, and deliver the payment (rent) for our stay on Earth. And then, going on, we will once again don the soul shape, and in that light, unformed, unconstrained, form, I can continue on to the next stop – the next planet, or galaxy perhaps? And depending on how adventurous I am, I will travel far, and away, and after making new discoveries, and gaining more experiences, one day I will drop down on Earth once again – my pit stop, and take a breather. Of course, I will need to obey the rules of the land, and take a body – whatever is available. Don’t really have a choice.

I would have seen so many things on my travels. And now I would like to share the shaping of my mind and my thoughts with others. Maybe, I do touch different souls, and tell them what I have gained, and lost. But these people will be different from the ones I had a chance to meet in my previous lifetime.

So, in that respect, maybe my life on Earth is not a journey, but a stay, a rest, and my travel is from and to Earth, not on Earth.

So, how do I want to look at life’s problems again? What do I want to think about all those happy times that I see on earth? Do I want to think about the time that I am losing from my journey through the universe by living longer on earth? Is that why I so often feel that I am wasting time, doing nothing? Is that why I feel better when I fall asleep, and acquire that dreamy weightlessness that allows me to travel across geographical boundaries, and even my yesterdays, and tomorrows? It gives me a chance to experience days and nights that I can never hope to live as the body that I have taken on Earth. Maybe that is why my dreams allow me a break – they take me away from Earth, and then giving me that bit of relaxation, bring me back, refreshed anew, and ready to live another day on Earth, and continue to be with others – my family, friends, and enemies.

A few…for me!

A few dreams I have collected inside me,
A few desires I will succumb to,
A few smiles I will grab for me,
A few scowls I will ignore too.
A few wins that I am waiting to find,
A few losses I will learn from,
A few paths I will make mine,
A few roads I will turn away from.
But there is something that is written for me,
It’s to be my own, my destiny.
Whether I choose to recreate or follow it,
It will be the epitaph I finally write for me.

Letter to my 18-year old Daughter

Today, I found this letter that I had written to my darling daughter about a year ago. It was a harrowing period with tons of conflict and confusion. I wrote this to gather strength for both of us, and help us get through that difficult time. Today, it’s not just a bittersweet memory, but also a very important lesson in priorities – deciding what’s important, what’s temporary, and what’s the real feeling that will continue forever. I thought I’ll put it here as a record and a reminder.

Hey baby,

I want to start by saying, once again that I love you. I know that you know that I love you. But I wanted to say it all the same.

I know that you and I are having a real bad time right now. And I know you want me to stay out of your life, and not try to discuss anything with you. But it’s really tough for me to do that because I love you. And when I see you going through all that pain and hurt, I want to take you in my arms, kiss and make it better. It’s just a natural Mom reaction. It isn’t something that is unique to me. All moms feel this way.

It doesn’t mean that you are wrong. You want to be independent, and you want to do your own thing. And this is right. You should be independent, and I will always be proud of you no matter what you choose to be. I think you know that – that I won’t dictate your choices. Guide you maybe, but never force you.

But please remember:

Being independent does not mean cutting away from me.

Being independent means that you do what you want to do, with me and without me.

Being independent does not mean that you do the wrong thing.

 Being independent means that of all the right choices available, you choose the right thing for yourself, the one that you like.

Being independent does not mean that you never make a mistake.

Being independent means that you try new things, in the process even make mistakes.

Being independent does not mean that you make a mistake and turn away from it.

 Being independent means that you accept that you made a mistake, fix it, and move on.

Being independent does not mean that you do not study.

 Being independent means that you study hard, build your career (NDA, choreography, CA, whatever!), and be strong and happy.

Please understand baby that you are now old enough to have feelings as strong as love. But even adults find it difficult to manage their love relationships. So, you are not the only one who is having fights or problems. A lot of people do. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You are not a bad girl for being confused between two guys. It’s a natural feeling, not a bad feeling. In time, you will figure out the right guy for you, and until you do, all that you need to do is try and understand yourself. Once you have understood yourself, you’ll know what you want also. This is just a period of confusion. And I know that you are very disturbed. But believe me motu, it will be ok soon. And you will once again be happy and fine.

I can understand that you feel a divide between you and me because I am your Mom. But you do need to talk to someone, such as a counselor who can help you sort out your problems.

Just remember that I will always be there for you. In your heart. Call out once, and I’ll come running.

Take care and be happy,


On Trial

I offer the world another chance to judge me,

Declare me lacking, and to criticize me.

When I receive nothing in words, I claim to have seen it in their eyes.

Words do not matter; their looks have said it all; their compliments are just lies.

Renewing Faith

Many members of my Buddhism practice share their experiences frequently. I have not had this chance too often. And I have often wondered if this was my karma or my lack of recognition of experiences/victories, or worse still, maybe it indicated my lack of commitment to the faith.

On April 28, 2012, I enshrined the Gohonzon in my house. It was one of the most special days of my life. Right from the time I got up on that day, my moments of discoveries began.

I got up earlier than usual, and got to cleaning my house. To others’ eyes, it was clean enough. But to my utter satisfaction, I had found a long-forgotten, hardly-ever-noticed window in the kitchen that was so terribly dirty. It just had to be cleaned – right then! So, I started.

First, I just cleaned the net on the inner window panes. Then, I realized that the glasses on the outer panes were much more filthy, and the task would just not be complete unless I had them clean. So, I took a deep breath, and renewed my efforts.

As I soaped, washed, and scrubbed, I realized that while the inside of the pane was easy to clean, it was really tough to do the outside. But if the outside wasn’t done, it just, yeah, you’re right, it just wouldn’t be complete! So, even though it was really difficult to reach, and even more difficult to scrub, I continued, cleaning the outside even more vigorously than the inside.

And, I thought to myself that cleaning the window was pretty akin to cleansing oneself, or rather one’s soul. If I wasn’t clean from within, if I didn’t rid myself of all the negativity and the impurity, no matter how hard it was to do that cleansing, I would never ever be really clean, I’d never ever be truly happy.

Two hours later, I was pretty satisfied with the result. The kitchen suddenly had so much light!! I was really happy.

Finally, I went to bathe and check that sms I had heard sometime ago during my cleaning.

The sms read:

Good Morning and congratulations for your Gohonzon enshrinement today. How lucky you are to enshrine on such an auspicious day when Nichiren Daishonin chanted Nam-myoho-renge-kyo for the first time. Please do not forget that actually Gohonzon exists within and this Gohonzon which is being enshrined in your house today is going to be an external stimuli to bring out your Buddhahood when chanted with strong faith. NMRK

 I had such a BIIGGG smile on my face!

This sms had just reinforced the thoughts that I had been having while cleaning the window. And now my belief was unshakeable – it was going to be the day when everything was going to go right!

Then, I went to wake up my daughter to see if she’d come along with me to shop for all the stuff I needed for the enshrinement, and if she’d be willing to attend it.

Initially, she refused for both the things, but then her love for me took over, and she accompanied me to help out with everything. she helped me buy everything, running around to get everything done on time, and between us we had everything in order, just before members started walking in. She was extremely enthusiastic the whole time, advising me wherever she felt necessary, never cribbing about the heavy loads she had to carry. Last night, she had even spent an hour with me to get the furniture clean.

But, she left the house right before the actual ceremony began. Still, I have faith that one day she will join this practice again, and be able to reap the benefits, just like I have.

The entire ceremony was beautiful. Very calm, all-encompassing, and extremely uplifting! My brother and mother attended. And the Gohonzon was enshrined by the same leaders that I had wished for.

Members told me that I would see the difference in my life after this day.

And I do.

Little things have changed. And I know some big changes are just around the corner – building up from the little things that really do matter.

Today, I am happy to report that I have an experience to share!

Yesterday, after many days of smouldering tension, the volcano between my daughter and I just erupted. The issue was extremely mundane. We had discussed in the recent past that because of my lack of energy and time, I was unable to cook meals for the two of us, and because she was home almost all day, she could take on this responsibility. This would help us eat at home – and not spend huge loads of money on rich, not-so-healthy meals outside.

However, she wasn’t really taking on the responsibility completely. And on one point, she was really adamant – she wouldn’t purchase the veggies or groceries. We seemed to have reached a stalemate. Yesterday morning, I raised the issue in a not-so-understanding manner, and of course, my daughter just lost her cool and started shouting rudely.

Extremely upset, I left for work, but was troubled throughout the day. I kept trying to talk to her on the phone, but was unable to keep the conversation on an even keel. The lowest point came when, totally exasperated, I told her that I didn’t want to live with her anymore because of her rude behavior, and taking-others-for-granted attitude.

In my emotional turmoil, I was unable to work. I called up my brother, and related the entire incident to him. He listened with empathy, and advised me to chant. Coincidentally, one of the members called me and asked if she could come over and chant with me in the evening. I accepted.

In the evening, I tried to set aside my problem, and concentrate on chanting with my friend. But my mind continued to be restless.

Suddenly, while chanting, a thought struck me that even though the situation appeared really bad, and it seemed as if all actions needed to be taken by my daughter, was there really nothing that I could do? Wasn’t there something that I could try to perhaps improve the situation? At that moment, I realized that my friend and I were chanting really powerfully and in perfect rhythm and coordination. We seemed to have built up the perfect crescendo! Acknowledging the joyful note in our Daimoku, I realized that the Gohonzon was inspiring me to not feel hopeless, and sparking a confidence in me to take action. I wondered if making a dish – paneer or chicken – relatively easy to procure, and quick to make, could help me kind-of sweeten the situation for my daughter, and convey to her more demonstratively that I loved her, and wanted the situation between us to improve.

After our Daimoku, my friend and I chatted for a brief time over a cup of coffee. Then, I ordered some raw chicken and salami to be delivered to our home. After that I hunted for the paneer all over the fridge. Of course, I was unable to find it. But, just before leaving the house to buy the paneer, I thought, let me call up my daughter, and ask her. I was unsure of how she would speak to me, if she at all chose to pick up my call.

She did pick up the phone, just as I was about to hang up after many rings. And she spoke so sweetly! My heart was overjoyed at just hearing her nice tone. She told me where the paneer was, and promised to return soon, and make the parathas.

I made the paneer, and switched on my laptop to attend my call. She returned while my call was still going on.

After I ended my call, she came over to talk to me. She apologized for her behavior, and promised to purchase the groceries from then on. She also told me that she wasn’t apologizing to just end the matter, but she genuinely felt sorry, and wanted the situation between us to improve. Thereafter, the evening progressed just perfectly, and for a short time, we returned to being the happy, laughing mother-daughter duo.

In gratitude, I chanted three Daimoku to the Gohonzon.

Honestly speaking, I felt like a cherished, protected baby that the Gohonzon was tending to – making sure that I did not falter in faith, instilling more belief in me for the practice by granting me victories immediately, not making me struggle so much, not making me question, but nurturing me to be stronger in faith – helping me carry out my promise:

“Demonstrating the power of this practice through my victories to the rest of the world, and developing my own Buddhahood from within by growing in faith.”

Thank you Nichiren Daishonin, thank you my leaders, thank you my friend who shaku-bukoed me, and thank you Gohonzon! Thank you all!

Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo!

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